Saturday, November 19, 2016

the wrong right person

Sometimes you know who you want to be with, who you should be with, even. Every once in a while, the universe isn’t so vague, once in a while the universe gives its answer right in front of you. At that little while you’d wonder what’s real and what’s not. Because you’ve been taught that life is a journey. How is it possible that a journey can be this short? How could it be so effortless? But this is where things get shitty again. People, in theory, can’t really get what they want. Because when they are given what they want, it’s simply too strange, too unreal. Most people are, thus, driven out of their ability to go and get it. Instead, they fall confused. So, what happens? Here’s a little hint: the default choice of someone who doesn’t know what to do, is to do nothing. This is where you throw the right person in the bin. It’s not something to be ashamed of, in fact, it’s very natural. You end up with the wrong person or making wrong decision, but it really is nothing wrong, it is right thing to do, to do something wrong.

Monday, October 3, 2016

a message

If I'm lucky enough to have someone or two wondering what's going on with me, I want you to know that I appreciate that you think of me, even if I only came across your mind for a bit. But I also want you to stop asking me what's going on because it will only emphasize that there are too much things I don't know. I don't know. I may seem smart, but I'm really not. I'm not being humble, I couldn't care less about being humble. This is genuinely how I see myself. Don't ask me, because I either don't know or too scared of the answer. I am not sick enough to ask for a day off but not healthy enough to see meanings out of my surroundings. I will still smile and laugh and joke and sing loudly, I have always done all that. And I can. But my ability to see my laughter as happiness has diminished, for that I will stay quiet every once in a while to let emotions sink in. I can't be healthy enough to make myself happy, let alone making you happy. I will be moody, rude, angry, and I will ruin your day. You don't have to bear with me, I can't bear with myself. But if you wanna stay, I swear even though I can't show it, I'll love you for so long that if I get to live an afterlife, I will remember you with joy. Stop trying to understand, and never think you understand.
I love you, I just wish you don't love me.

Friday, August 19, 2016

The Mornings are Colder in Jogjakarta

The mornings are colder in Jogjakarta
Where the songs of your heart fill the air
The sound of your typewriter synchronizes with heartbeat of the sleeping cat
You can hear your sorrow floating in the air
So close but it feels so light

The mornings are meant for poets
Who fell asleep early last night
Waken up at five by the loudly singing birds
This poet sings the song of his doubt
The story of his failures and the faith of his future

And on the paper on his table
That’s stained by sweet coffee
Lay the questions of purpose
And the counter-intuitions
Asking for a meaning in a heart full of loving
On the wall that’s once pink
He demands for a change
To be free from his doubts
Rid off his better judgment

In the morning that’s colder than any other mornings
A poet wants to be happy in a sad, sad world
A poet wants you happy so he cries, cries, cries

In a morning that’s cold
He’s on his bed praying
That maybe life aligns by itself

Monday, August 8, 2016

I am a boat

I am a boat
I am doomed to sail
I am expected to float
I am to do what I am told

and I am told to cross the oceans
break the waves,
challenge the storm,
sail under the rain,
breathe the growling wind

and when my sailors tear with joy
walking home with their wives
I am to stay afloat
in a cold night alone

I am to bow and to obey my captain
I am a boat, and only a boat
my captain steers my faith
he needs no faith in me

I am a boat, bound to obey
I am a boat to listen to the cries of my captain
I am a boat to not complain
to crash to drown and let the waves wash away tears

I am a boat, and a boat is strong
A boat must face pain because I am a boat
A reason is not needed for I belong to my captain
I am a boat, blindly in love with my captain

the sailors complain because the captain gives them order
the sailors think they are slaves
but I am boat
I am a slave for the slaves

I am a boat, to be stepped on and steered
and when I hit a reef and fall apart
I shall not complain
I shall drown with my sweat tears and blood
but my captain, my captain,
my captain must stay afloat
I shall break into parts for him to grab