Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Well

My biggest weakness is my fear of confrontation. I am so afraid, that I even don’t want to confront myself. I think the reason is because I never found out what my problem is. My problem is not many, but is deep. It is like a well—narrow, dark, and the depth is unknown. I am afraid of going in, and not able to go out. I am afraid of knowing its depth. I am afraid of all the things I can’t see in the darkness. I fear my fear. I cry for that fear. I am weak for my weakness. Entrapped in the circles and paradoxes, I cry—not cried, because I’m still crying.

I am afraid of the thoughts I have at night before my sleep. Thoughts that send me under the blanket, forcing my eyes closed. Thoughts that make my fingers cold every time they slip of my blanket. I am afraid of thinking my day. So afraid, I wish I don’t need to have a day. I end my day fast, before something goes wrong. When my day lasts longer, I come home with my anxiety riding on my back like a little kid who is too heavy, but I’m afraid to drop. I cry without tears because I don’t actually know how I feel. To know is to go into the well. Scary as hell.

Monday, May 30, 2016

where do I find you

They say each day you walk thousands of steps
So how come we haven't got there?

I see a hint of light thus I follow
Where exactly do I go?
I don't know

There's huge distance of what is true and what I want to believe
So where do I go?
Where do I find you?

With all the money I don't have
I'm willing to pay any price
So who do I ask?

There's a place of where you are and no place of where I'm supposed to be
So what must one do,
if she must keep on moving?

I'm the one who's been hiding,
but you're the one who can't be found
So where do I go?
Where do I find you?

Should I keep looking?
Or can you possibly be looking too?

Maybe not,
not for me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

To My Darling

Honey darling,
aren't you a poor little kid.
Poor little kid never grows up.
Present tense for general facts.
Honey bun, aren't you cute.
Always walking but you keep falling.
You stupid little piglet.
Full stops for statements.
So smart that common sense is your competition.
But now, your enemy.
Maybe that's why you have no friends.
My lovely little loser.
I love you,
I love you enough to make you happier than winning.
But you will never know, you maggot.
Because I'll be dead and rotten by the time you can listen.
Because I'll be too tired to speak by the time you can see.
I wanna say I love you,
I do.
But what I want even more,
is to say goodbye.

Things I Like

There are a few things that can make me happy.
One, is to pile up my pillows in the corner of my bed, close to the wall, and lay on top of them to feel the coolness of the pillow sheets and the wall with my eyes closed.
The second best is to be with you.