Saturday, June 21, 2014

growing up

Today I have this thought,
if I was richer and smarter, maybe I can have a better future.

I know it sounds ungrateful, but it's a lot more than that.
No, I'm not wishing that I'll somehow be reborn in a rich family. I see "being rich" and "being smart" as something you earn and takes effort, and if I made that effort earlier, maybe I would be going with my plans instead of looking for a plan B or C.


Okay, first thing first, my heading, growing up.
I'm not going to talk about how fast time flies and bla bla bla. Instead, I'm gonna talk about the greatest invention devils have made, regrets.

The one thing I regret most right now, is how I'm still making plans at this moment, instead of doing it already. I'm now officially in my last year of school, and I should be excited, but all I can feel right now is how terrified I am. I think that I'm too much of a coward to take chances even though it might not affect anything significantly. But after thinking that I'm a coward, I start questioning, am I? I start getting the paranoia that I don't even know myself, that maybe all I think I am is just how my brain created myself, maybe I'm just thoughts and not an actual character. That way, how could  I plan my future?

Another question came in, am I overthinking? But then, is overthinking really that bad? Or is it just a concept someone made because they spoil themselves and don't want to get burdened?

What I do know is that all these thoughts are driving me crazy. Probably 90% of them is not even relevant anymore, considering that I'm too old now, too old to think, and I should start doing something. I don't even think it matters if that thing I do is something that I like or I don't, because just like what I've said, I'm too old to think, thinking only leads to too much thinking, which leads to paranoia, and the rest you can either figure out yourself or you can re-read the previous paragraphs.

I better thing to think about is how to not let this happen to anyone. So get good grades, get a degree, be rich, and do what you can to protect (your) children from regrets.

When I re-read this I imagine a 50 years old writing it.
Eeeww, I'm old.

lots of love

Friday, May 30, 2014


Some people imagine me as hippie, and I kinda do too. I'm a vegetarian, and a sucker for animals, earth, children care stuffs.
I'm also very absurd and kinda crazy haha.

Okay, enough about me. Here's some pictures I--unprofessionally--took of me. Actually, I took this picture because I'm trying to sell the flower crown I wore in the picture. I'm in a terrible personal "economic crisis" these days and I've been looking for--effective--ways to make money. It's sad on how I have to deal with such stuff in High School, isn't it? haha

taken with my phone (Lenovo p700i) with the HDR effect-thingy

 yay! close up preview of my flower crown (it's only IDR 25K, btw)
p.s. don't judge my look, I'm trying to sell a flower crown here :p

outer white blouse : Old Navy
maxi dress : Body and Soul
flower crown : handmade
Yes, I was barefoot.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


Quick post, from the middle of a boredom in math class!

I've seen magic

Hello people, I'm hoping that you're having a better night than I am. I'm not blowing any trumpet, I'm not seeing fireworks, I'm in my room, yawning. Which makes me wonder, is this really that bad?

I've experienced many 'unexpected' New Year's Eve, my airplane got struck by lightning (2012), my laptop got stolen (2013), and I'm not expecting something bad to happen this year, but again it makes wonder, is it really that bad?

A few weeks ago, maybe months, a friend asked me 'what makes something bad?', there's no true or false answer for that, it's one of the cool questions where we get to choose our own answer.

Here's the thing, as hyperbolic as it sounds, I wouldn't even care if I got killed tonight! I've had an amazing LIFE, I couldn't imagine what kind of 'better' I should expect. I don't care if I missed new year's countdown, what God have blessed me with to experience is more magical than how a year can be 'officially passed' within seconds.

I have never deserve this much, but I'll tell you I'm blessed enough to not have to panically praying and begging to God so that 2014 would be good for me. Don't get me wrong, I do want 2014 to be awesome, but 2013 is a solid proof that God loves me enough to let me live in absolute fun.

I thank God for letting this dumbass debate through (at least) high school, which is still unbelievable for me. Everytime I look at who I am today, I'm transferred into a place somewhere between reality and dream, and I know I'm not special, but I am special to me, and for the first time I admit that it does matter most. I'm happy, not always, but I have at least one moment that strike into my mind every time I think of '2013' that makes me say, "Yes, I'm very happy that year".

I got to know the most amazing people in 2013, people who I'm pretty sure have keep me alive. People I look up to, people I idolize, people I can call friend, people who say that they miss me even after knowing what kind of freak I am. God seems to always show me his love in the very best way, I feel spoiled, in a very good way.

Now I wouldn't name those people, but I can tell you that I owe them. Thanks to those people, I get to say that I have not only seen magic, but I have live in it.