Saturday, July 16, 2016

thank you

When I'm down and low, you are my happy thoughts.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

The Fall

What is love? Wouldn’t people fall in love--like?--a bunch of times before they settle with “the one”? But hasn’t love live being a cycle? Circular, endless, and like a sticky tape, you can’t really see where it ends or where it begins.

There is a difference of love and falling in love. You fall in love, thinking about falling. You think about falling in one deep space--or hole? Weirdly enough, when we fall in love again, we don’t remember how we got out of the previous hole. Although, every once in a while, we feel glad that we got out.

What would happen if we noticed? If we know that through one way or another, we got out of the hole. That no matter how deep were the holes, we got out. We didn’t recall whether we climbed out, pulled out, or was it something else. Yet again, every time we fall in love again, when it hurts to hit the ground and when the deep black hole is suffocating, we cry in pain thinking how we can get out of there.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know? Maybe this time we should take note. How did it feel when we know we’re off the hook? Was it the feeling of missing someone new as Carrie Bradshaw said? Was it the new habit of looking at a brand new picture that you didn’t care about before? Was it the new face that swept in and swept out the old one in your dreams? How was it that, looking at the exact same face that melted your frozen heart two weeks ago, gave you absolutely nothing after this new person came into your life? How did it come to be? Is it a correlation or a causation? Must the satisfaction of slipping through the chain that wrapped around your chest, come at the expense of belittling someone you once hold dear? Is your heart a reward, given to those you love, taken from their hands and given to another?

What is the prerequisite of getting out of the last love you were in? Is it always your new love who chases away your old one? Must the more recent love be a better one in comparison to your previous? Have your sub-conscience compare one man to another throughout the course of time? Is this a bad thing? Thinking half-glass full, maybe this is how we ought to find the best one--by through and through comparison.

But the bigger question is, are we to afraid to admit it?

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Well

My biggest weakness is my fear of confrontation. I am so afraid, that I even don’t want to confront myself. I think the reason is because I never found out what my problem is. My problem is not many, but is deep. It is like a well—narrow, dark, and the depth is unknown. I am afraid of going in, and not able to go out. I am afraid of knowing its depth. I am afraid of all the things I can’t see in the darkness. I fear my fear. I cry for that fear. I am weak for my weakness. Entrapped in the circles and paradoxes, I cry—not cried, because I’m still crying.

I am afraid of the thoughts I have at night before my sleep. Thoughts that send me under the blanket, forcing my eyes closed. Thoughts that make my fingers cold every time they slip of my blanket. I am afraid of thinking my day. So afraid, I wish I don’t need to have a day. I end my day fast, before something goes wrong. When my day lasts longer, I come home with my anxiety riding on my back like a little kid who is too heavy, but I’m afraid to drop. I cry without tears because I don’t actually know how I feel. To know is to go into the well. Scary as hell.